How long has it been?

My poor old neglected blog! If blogosphere turned minimalists my unused, dusty blog would've been long gone.

I have no excuses for not having written anything for so long. Sheer laziness!

August 2014, is where I left. Let me try to rewind...

Phuket Diaries (contd..) -

We were living a blissful life in Phuket. Looking back, the one year that we spent in Phuket was an unforgettable one. Those days will be etched in my memory forever.  Karthik had just turned 1. My cousins stayed about ten days with us in July. We visited Krabi and we explored Phuket. Ate a lot of street food, restaurant food and home cooked food. It was one of those trips that involved heavy eating.
August through November I got to experience the monsoons. My mood swings with the weather - if its gloomy outside I am miserable inside. Imagine how monsoons can affect my mood. However, the monsoon season in Phuket was very different. There would be patches of sunshine after a heavy bout of rain. There were not too many days that went without the typical clear blue sky.
In October, we did a quick trip to Bangkok, Nikhil's passport renewal was the major agenda. I absolutely loved Bangkok. We decided to skip Pattaya, well, because we were living in Phuket, (evil laugh).
I was also on a major weight loss regimen. I ringed in my 35th birthday in style (literally). I had lost all pregnancy weight and some more. I had never felt more accomplished in my life!

December through January we had visitors again. One batch was my cousin and his friend on a back packing trip through Thailand. We were so glad to have them camp on our couch for a week or so. Christmas through early 2015 V's parents were with us. We did all touristy things with them. Phi-Phi and James Bond island, visiting the night markets, hitting the naka weekend markets and the like. Now, with two kids and too much adventure comes infections. So I had a good share of cold and flu that I had to deal with. Mid January, saw Karthik hospitalized for couple of days. Poor Nikhil had his birthday celebrations in the hospital.

By end of February it was certain that we were to move back to Gurgaon. I was so not ready to give up my cozy lifestyle and move back to of all places - Gurgaon! (shudders). We were busy in February settling on school for Nikhil and finding a place to rent.

We moved back to Gurgaon in March 2015! And just like that Phuket became a wonderful memory.

Just a thought

I am tired of reading about moms. Social media has been flooding with various points of views - Why stay at home moms are super moms, why working moms are super moms, a letter from a stay at home mom to the working mom saying she is super duper, a letter from the working mom who gives the stay at home mom a standing ovation. There was even a letter from a stay at home dad. Then one which was about the mom in the park with an iPhone. And the latest that has been shared over and over again is a question something along the lines of a man trying to convince his wife to be a stay at home mom and a great response to that question. There! This is the reason I am tired. I am tired of all this debate. Trying to read why one is better than the other, why both have its own challenges, why people shouldn't judge either and its the families decision, etc. 

Being a mom is tough. Whether you are working, whether you are staying at home, it doesn't matter. Motherhood is a challenging role. Working or not working doesn't make you a better mom. You decide what kind of mom you are.

Growing up my mom was a stay at home mom. Looking back, I realize that I loved that she was a stay at home mom. I loved the fact that she was there when I got back from school. I loved how I used to sit on the kitchen counter top discussing my school day while she prepared my evening snack. On the other hand, my neighbor was a working mom and they had a system for their household. We both grew up to be fine individuals. Here's the thing - I loved my mom being stay at home mom, because she loved being a stay at home mom. She felt what she was doing was right, it was her decision. It felt right to her and she did that. 

Anyway, I am not going to discuss whats better or what works. I want to understand why are we focusing so much on motherhood? Why all the pressure on moms?  Its like living in constant fear of being judged. From food you feed them to toys they play with everyone has an opinion and a judgement to go along with that. Whether our mothers worked or not, whether they gave us enough attention or suffocated us with too much attention, whether they sometimes lost their cool or may be even gave us a tight one here and there....I dont think they had to deal with so much pressure... they had their share of day to day pressures but not the added pressure of the society - Are you spending enough time with your child, are you giving them too much attention. Those days there was a positive spin on everything. Mom giving too much attention, people would say "she loves her kids" Mom having a little distant approach meant automatically "her kids will become so independent". These days its like the society is waiting to point fingers and say what you are doing wrong. 

We are all mothers first, whether we choose to stay at home or whether we choose to work. From one mom to another, we all rock! We are super women! When you've had a rough day and want to just chill, go ahead and switch on the TV and let your kid watch that goddamn cartoon. Chill out! At the end of the day if you are happy with yourself, you will be a better mom to your child. 

Phuket Diary - Sabai Sabai

Seven long years ago, we vacationed in Barbados; that was by far one of the BEST vacations of my life. The time we spent with our friends, all the laughter, so many fond memories... I dont know if it was the Island air or the "no problem" attitude of people or all the rum punch I had  .. but I just fell in love with the place. I wondered then how it would be to live in a place that people vacationed.. now seven years later here I am.. in Phuket! (I strongly believe that God was sick of hearing my complaints about Gurgaon that he sent us here to shut me up)

Come to think of it, given the cribber (if that is a word) I am, I should be complaining about the little or lack of help I have here, I should be ranting about Vs work hours, I should be frustrated that I dont know the language and how difficult it is to communicate and get your point across... I mean I could just find something in a second to piss me off... ( I sound so nasty)... but, BUT... what can I say, I love it here! The place, people, food... Its a very relaxing feeling.

No wonder Thailand is called Land of Smiles, people are always smiling... and it kind of rubs off on you I guess.. Always, like always they have a smile (at least most of them, exceptions always exist anywhere and I can live with that). So it doesnt bother me much that I am always using sign language and my sentences sound very practical... "You no come tomorrow" "I no want" "this... what?"... (all the while signing with my hands)

The help I have here is a nanny, shes with us for four hours on weekdays. Those four hours that I deposit K(arthik) in her hands is a huge help for me. I don't mind sweeping, mopping, making bed, cooking, cleaning loos... In fact I like the fact that the chores are done in my order, to my liking.. (yeah yeah call me a control freak)... if something is not done around the house, its because I chose not to (or I didn't get to it)...

Lastly, I know that if I have a bad day all I need is a drive to the pier... or one of the many small non touristy and lonely beaches, where its just you and water and the view, to lift your mood instantly... (affordable wine also is a big help... just saying)

So, its been very "sabai sabai" like the Thais say (All good, chilled out, awesome state of mind)

Trying to pick up the slack

Way too many things have happened last year....and I have realized that these days my memory is certainly not on my side... may be the curse of smartphones and social media.. anyway that's a subject I'd like to write about in a different post altogether - "memory failure". I've been thinking about the blog and updating it for the past month or so... and now finally got to sit down...

Back to 2013...

 We welcomed another baby boy - Karthik Channaraj arrived on May 2nd, 2013. Nikhil has been a real champ and an awesome big brother. I was quite worried how he'd deal with the new comer, given that he used to give us vague answers like "I want a big blue jeep" or "I want a black puppy" when we asked him whether he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister...  but he adapted so well. He loves his little brother which makes me love him even more. My parents were around during delivery/post-delivery which was wonderful.. and I didnt have to deal with Post Partum Depression this time at all, thanks solely to Nikhil. I feel like time has doubled its pace after Karthik's arrival. Days, weeks, months and now we even celebrated his first birthday! Seriously, whats with the rush, time? 

 Sometime before Karthik was due Vicky was given an opportunity to move to Thailand. We went back and forth and given my not-so-happy-about-India phase, I was all for the move. It took a while to fall in place. Vicky kept travelling for two to three weeks at a time while we stayed back in Gurgaon. In October 2013, we had a Kerala trip due for Karthik's annaprashan. It was decided then that I would move to Kerala with the kids while Vicky shifted base to Phuket. Given his travel schedule and the volatility of the project I welcomed the decision to stay with my parents. TLC time :) 

All of us chilled out in Thrissur until March, 2014 when finally visas paperwork all got done and we moved to Phuket. Truth be told I was looking forward to moving and having my own place and set up. 

Its been close to two months here in Phuket now and I can't complain. Its a lovely lovely place. Kids love the new house. Nikhil has adjusted well in his new school. Karthik really has no say :) And I am finally feeling happy. Cribbing less. Which is HUGE, given my constant frowny face while I was in Gurgaon. For now, Life is Good!

Staying Positive

One of my new year resolutions for this year was to be positive, my previous was post was far from that. How can I be positive if I am not willing to acknowledge all the positives that are around me.  I have decided to put some points together, so that next time I need a little perspective I can refer to these. 

The Maid : I am giving less credit to the domestic help. It actually helps that I have someone to do ALL the chores around the house, not just the sweeping, mopping. Laundry, folding clothes, cleaning the kitchen, the fridge, etc. She is there to cook, take care of Nikhil, entertain him, play with him, take him out to the park... It made my life so much easier when I was on bed rest for three months. I don't know how I would've gone through that without that support at home.

The Driver : Makes our lives so much easier, Vicky hates to drive and I don't want to drive in India because all I would be doing is swearing and showing my fingers to every one on the road. More than anything its the fact that in the past two years we have never had to drive around looking for a parking spot. He carries all the heavy load back home after grocery shopping. He also doubles up as Nikhil's baby sitter, for example, I am going to the bank and its going to take me fifteen minutes and I don't want to tag Nikhil around... my driver would happily baby sit him. 

The Parents : Okay, so in my last post I complained how I am living so far away from family. What I didnt acknowledge was the fact that its still easier for in laws or parents to travel and reach Delhi. Four hours is always better than eighteen long hours and the jet lag. There's not been an occasion when I have needed my parents or in laws and they have not been able to make it. I should be thankful for that. Agreed its not as comfortable as having them living somewhere with in an hours drive...  

The Extended Family : We have an uncle of mine living in Delhi and a cousin of mine living five minutes away. It feels wonderful to hang out with them. We have spent all major festivals at my uncles place and the gathering and celebrations are always so much fun. Festivals, birthdays, dinners, just chilling at home, its all cool. When Vicky sometimes have to travel, I crash in at one of their places. My uncle has two lovely boys and Nikhil has a ball playing with them. My cousin has a dog and Nikhil is so attached to that fellow. Honestly, there's really no feeling of loneliness. 

The Neighbors : I guess I am lucky that I have made wonderful friends with the neighbors here. There are many families with kids in the similar age group. Again,  I thank my stars that I have very very helpful neighbors. They always watch out for you. When our next door neighbor has not seen me on the balcony or outside for couple of days I can expect her at my door or a call from her to make sure everything is all right. There's someone to check on me.

The Community : Our community has couple of grocery stores, a pharmacy, a tailor (who also does drycleaning), and a beauty parlour (very shady but good enough for quick threading), there are two general physicians in case of emergencies...   
   
Last but the most important point, Nikhil loves it here... I cannot just emphasize the word love enough. He is exposed to a plethora of people from all walks of life. He loves it when the door bell rings. He loves to guess who it would be, the dhobi , the trash guy, the milk fellow, the delivery boy from the grocery store, the maid, the gardner...  During summers he loves standing on the balcony and just observing the road - the trucks, the diggers, cars, autos, cycles, motor bikes...or just kids playing the park. He loves it when he spends time with his grandparents, his cousins, so far we have attended so many weddings and many more family functions.. he loves all the attention that he gets.  He is always surrounded by people - family or friends or even others.

Every place has its own benefits and disadvantages. It's high time I focused on the good things and stopped dwelling on the negatives.   

Breaking the silence

It wasn't a blogger's block, it wasn't that I had nothing to write about. In fact it was just the opposite there were way too many things going on that I couldn't begin to get any coherent thoughts on what to write. If I had written anything down between March 2011 and now it would've just been rants. I thought its better not to do that to my blog and the handful of readers (you know who you are) that keep checking for my updates. I have given myself enough time and I think I should put down what has happened over the past couple of years.

In my last post, I was looking forward to begin our life in Gurgaon. Its an understatement to describe the settling down process as painful. I found it so difficult to set up a household in India, so the initial stages of moving to a new city was extremely frustrating. Its my country and I felt that I should be knowing how to deal with the system, but apparently not, mainly because there is no system. The one thing that happened relatively quick was we found a decent apartment community to stay - so far that's the only positive that I can list about Gurgaon. Then it was shopping for all household appliances, furniture, car, etc. One thing I learned is that nothing was done in the first go. Let me give you an example:

1. You have a leaky pipe,
2. You call a plumber.
3. He'll just come by at first to check and assess the problem.
4. Then he goes to get some tools to investigate further
5. Then he comes by with the tools, invariably the most necessary tool is not with him, then goes to get that, after investigates the problem he tells you that you need to buy some parts and volunteers very nicely to get it for you.
6. Then he comes and fixes it.
7. A month later you have a leaky pipe again.

This is not as easy as a seven step process... there's the wait. Every person says he will be at your door in half an hour but its actually 24 to 48 hours after incessant calling and following up. Also, I fail to understand why the plumber cannot bring all his tools in the first go? I mean that's cutting down two steps and saving both him and me a lot of time. People derive pleasure in delaying work.

The other biggest myth is the "household help" that you get in India. You need help because you cannot live without it. If you leave your house without sweeping or mopping for one day the furntiure would collect dust, the floors get sticky and dirty, the house would start looking haunted. So household help is not a luxury but a necessity. Now, managing the help is a completely different ball game.

Basically, I feel that respect for work is lacking big time. People are always trying to do something else or make more money through other means that they focused less on the job at hand. No one gives even 80% dedication to what they do.

Another major draw back that I am facing living in Gurgaon is that we are so far away from family. One of the main reasons we moved to India was to be closer to family, but now I find that to get my parents or in-laws to come here is such an exhaustive task. Its expensive, its a long journey and we always think twice before having to go "all the way" to the south.

Overall, I have been very very pissed off for the past few years. I was the one who was gung-ho about moving to India, I had very high expectations... now I regret it terribly. Sometimes I wonder if it is a severe case of grass is greener on the other side or may be I just am focusing on the negatives a lot. What ever it may be I haven't been feeling happy and settled! 

Putting an end to uncertainty

This journey started about four years ago, when V decided he was ready to do his MBA. He applied to different schools and each time he got shortlisted for interviews, my hopes would be raised.. In 2007, I thought we would go to Chicago - and my hopes were "dinged", then I thought we'd move to Philly - and again I was "dinged". '08/'09 V did couple more apps (and I thought we might move to North Carolina or Paris) that got dinged again! While this cycle of applications and dings were going on... a sense of uncertainty began creeping in. And that feeling is so not a nice one to live with. We were running out of time on our visas and we had to go somewhere... plus we had a baby on the way. The lack of clarity in our lives was bothering me a lot. Our sentences would begin with "If", "When"... or "Depends..."

When we found out that V's application to ISB has been accepted, I felt relieved... for I felt that living in ISB would be a good way to transition our way back to India..

Last year on 2nd April we "moved back" to India and coincidentally this year V's graduation falls on the 2nd of April. We are once again moving out from what has been our home for the past one year to a new place, a new home! I am completely looking forward to starting from scratch... setting up a place, tastefully decorating it... from buying curtains to car... I am so totally looking forward each and every bit of it.

This last one year, though frustrating many a time, has been wonderful and rewarding. I have never had so much peace of mind.