They are here!

I’ve been quite lucky and spent may be 15 days in all with in-laws in the past five years. Now they are here visiting us… for 3… Yes, THREE months. Honestly, I don’t have a really bad set of in-laws but honestly (again) I feel that in about three months time things might change. So I must warn everyone (the three or four of you) who read this blog that you are in for some wild ranting and venting.

Anyway, the days leading up to their visit I kept repeating the “have an open mind” mantra several times. But no matter what I did there was this annoying feeling in the back of my mind… giving me nightmares about how I’ll turn out to be the most unqualified partner for their precious son. This, after being married for five years! I do have some serious self-esteem issues, don’t I? Finally, I decided I am not going to sweat it, tough luck if they feel I am not worthy, because I’m their daughter-in-law and they are pretty much stuck with what they have. So instead of deciding to put up an act of being a perfect marumagal (daughter-in-law) I decided to be myself (em…may be a little better version of the real me).

It was the day they were arriving and I was not freaking out… okay, may be a little… but overall I was doing pretty well. I checked everything, bed was made, the pooja space was clean and nice, the house was pretty clean, had made some decent food, and the ‘maavu’ (batter for idly and dosa) was set as well, overall things were looking pretty good. They reached home and everything went quite smooth. When someone expressed his discontent on seeing store bought containers of yogurt I happily ignored that. I tried not to take it personally… so far so good.

Yesterday morning, I was completely devastated when I saw limp idlies as the end product of the batter I made! Every time, Every Single Time I’ve tried too hard to impress, I fall right on my face! Lesson learned. We shall henceforth use store bought dosa/idly batter as well.

Today when I walked down, I was surprised to see one fourth of the contents of my kitchen cabinets lying on the floor. Apparently my kitchen was going through some cleansing action. Agreed, my cabinets did have some old stuff that I didn’t throw away… I tried not to feel bad… it’s not a big deal, I said to myself… Look at the positive side, she is trying to help me out and that’s fantastic… It’s such a good thing and I should consider myself a lucky gal!

Then why is it that I am just not able to feel totally good about the kitchen-cleanse? Why am I kicking myself for concluding that I should be like my usual self? Why do I feel that I should’ve gone through everything, made a check list and then cleaned shelves like a maniac and that I should’ve found a container to store the channa dal and not have left it lying in the packet! Why can’t I stop thinking about how everyone in the family will now know about the sad state of my kitchen, the pathetic batter that I make… These are two things in just two days and I have 87 more days to go, so imagine how many more such situations I’ll get myself into… Why, why do I feel this need to impress? Why do I want to be so perfect? Most importantly, why do I stress so much only for in-laws?

All right, now I leave… I think my cloth closet needs some cleansing.

hmmm... Now does that look better?

Yep. I just completed an extreme make over for my blog. New look, New title.... Let's see if this change will make me write more often.

Lot of people complain that they don't like change. I feel I am completely pro change. I love the excitement. The feeling of starting some thing fresh. Looking forward to something new. In fact I get restless if there's a period of no change in my life.

I always look forward to moving to a new place, new house, new country, whatever. I know, it's crazy, who would want to go through the hassle of moving. I like everything except packing and unpacking part of it. I guess that's one of the reasons I never really got excited about buying a house.

I always get bored with my work. I haven't stayed in a job for more than 2.5 years. I've been in my current job for about 2 years and 7 months...

I get bored with hair styles. I have had some crazy hairstyles when I was young. I don't do ridiculous stuff now but I always have to get my hair chopped at regular intervals. It amazes me when I watch some of the makeover shows on TV to see some girls shedding tears when they see scissors touch their locks.

I rearrange my closet time to time.

I rearrange stuff in my kitchen cabinets time to time.

That's enough about me and my love for change. My point being, I was hitting a point with my blog where everything bored me. So there I changed it and whaddyaknow I have two posts in one day. All I can say is change works well on me.

Surviving a long distance relationship

When I was introduced to V years ago, little did I imagine that we’d end up getting married! We met during our under-grad days. We chatted briefly and exchanged pleasantries when we ran in to each other on campus. V used to call me once in a while, and then there was a phase in our last year at college when I found myself suddenly playing the role of an agony aunt. That was when we probably started talking, that too hours together on the phone! It was during these endless sessions of playing a therapist that I came to realize V was such down to earth, genuine guy. Everything changed one day when V gave me the biggest hint that I might be 'more than a friend' to him.

With finals on the anvil, preparing for placements, and deadlines for multiple final year projects, and a million other things that were going on, thinking about a guy would’ve been the last thing I’d have done. But, I found myself spending some sleepless nights; listening to love songs… this was a totally new experience and something that was completely abnormal for me! Pressure was mounting from V as well… he was waiting to hear what I had to say about his ‘proposal’. So I did what I do always, make a pros and cons list. I was not ready to commit to anything serious – as in I didn’t think I was so madly in love, but he was in my thoughts and I liked his company, I liked him… a lot. I did want to spend more time together to get to know him better! But, I was moving to a different city, V had admits from schools in the US and he was serious on getting his masters abroad. How were we going to get to know each other better if we really didn’t spend time together? Anyway, I gave up being uptight for once and decided to go with the flow. There was nothing on my cons list that seemed pressing enough for me to ignore what I was feeling. We had about 20 days before my impending move, however, of the 20 days, I was to go on a trip to Kerala for about 2 weeks and V had a trip planned with his family for about 15 days. After all these trips and family engagements, our precious 20 days came down to FOUR quality days of actually seeing each other.

With those four days etched in my mind, I found myself at Hyderabad and V was some 8000 miles away at Texas. Thus began our long distance relationship, which lasted for four years (ironic, isn’t it?). A year and a half later, I got to see V for precisely 3 days. After that we saw each other during preparations and shopping for our wedding.

So there, I think I have established my credibility to be a long distance expert. I thought I’d share a few pointers on how I survived those 4 years of missing someone so badly. This is purely based only on my (and only my) experience.

1. Trust yourself and your partner. If your BF says they are going for a party with friends, then he is going for a party with friends– no more no less. What would you really gain from knowing how many of his friends are “girls”? Remember curiosity killed the cat? Too much inquisitiveness can kill your relationship. Especially if you are living away and all you can do is imagine all his friends as hot chicks hanging out with your vulnerable boyfriend.

2. Learn not to misuse their trust. Even if you sense a slightest possibility that someone you know seems to be interested in you, let him know that you are seriously not available. Don’t play along and flirt and end up hurting others feelings. I strongly believe in karma.

3. Accept that you cannot be a part of his day-to-day life and he misses you and thinks about you as much as you think about him and miss him.

4. Respect other person’s feelings. Things don’t always sound the way you mean it over the phone or email. Your intentions can be misunderstood. If such a thing happens… be ready to explain and don’t get defensive.

5. Communicate, be open to each other, and learn to listen. Discuss your thoughts and feelings openly.

6. Never pretend you are comfortable with something he is doing if you really are not.

7. No one (including you and your BF) can remain sane by just sitting and thinking and pining for you. It’s unhealthy. They need to have a life. Too many restraints can screw your relationship (goes back to trust).

8. Have a good support system. I cannot even begin to explain how important it is to surround yourself with good friends who understand you and what you are going through. You need reassurance and support more than you think you need it. Have one objective person as a confidant, who you can go to for impartial verdicts.

9. Be reasonable. It’s not always your boyfriend’s fault.

10. Moping around all the time is injurious to you. Learn to look at the brighter side… You are in this relationship because you really like this person. There are lots of things you can do “together”. Like you both could read a book and talk about that book, you could watch a movie (and think you are holding hands with him) and share your thoughts, it shouldn’t always be about mushy “I love you so much” “I miss you so much”. Sending him handwritten letters via snail mail always works like a charm.

11. Don’t bottle up your anger. It’s okay to fight – in other words have a heated discussion about conflicting thoughts or behavior. You can virtually kiss and make up. If you are always angry then it’s a different story.

12. Virtual relationship is definitely painful. No matter how much of a positive spin you put on it, the frustrations of long distance is bound to catch up with you sooner or later. There will be times when you question your decision and feel that the whole thing was such a waste of time. You’d think that you have spent precious moments of your life missing someone and feeling miserable. A person you seem to remember just as 2D images from a photograph. Everything becomes so unreal at that point. You find that reassuring friends are not useful anymore. When you hit that phase, shamelessly compare your fellow with others. Think of other guys you’d rather be spending time and having a fulfilling relationship with, believe me you won’t come up with one appealing person. That’s when you realize that you’d rather hold that photograph close to you and that would put a smile on your face.