Surviving a long distance relationship

When I was introduced to V years ago, little did I imagine that we’d end up getting married! We met during our under-grad days. We chatted briefly and exchanged pleasantries when we ran in to each other on campus. V used to call me once in a while, and then there was a phase in our last year at college when I found myself suddenly playing the role of an agony aunt. That was when we probably started talking, that too hours together on the phone! It was during these endless sessions of playing a therapist that I came to realize V was such down to earth, genuine guy. Everything changed one day when V gave me the biggest hint that I might be 'more than a friend' to him.

With finals on the anvil, preparing for placements, and deadlines for multiple final year projects, and a million other things that were going on, thinking about a guy would’ve been the last thing I’d have done. But, I found myself spending some sleepless nights; listening to love songs… this was a totally new experience and something that was completely abnormal for me! Pressure was mounting from V as well… he was waiting to hear what I had to say about his ‘proposal’. So I did what I do always, make a pros and cons list. I was not ready to commit to anything serious – as in I didn’t think I was so madly in love, but he was in my thoughts and I liked his company, I liked him… a lot. I did want to spend more time together to get to know him better! But, I was moving to a different city, V had admits from schools in the US and he was serious on getting his masters abroad. How were we going to get to know each other better if we really didn’t spend time together? Anyway, I gave up being uptight for once and decided to go with the flow. There was nothing on my cons list that seemed pressing enough for me to ignore what I was feeling. We had about 20 days before my impending move, however, of the 20 days, I was to go on a trip to Kerala for about 2 weeks and V had a trip planned with his family for about 15 days. After all these trips and family engagements, our precious 20 days came down to FOUR quality days of actually seeing each other.

With those four days etched in my mind, I found myself at Hyderabad and V was some 8000 miles away at Texas. Thus began our long distance relationship, which lasted for four years (ironic, isn’t it?). A year and a half later, I got to see V for precisely 3 days. After that we saw each other during preparations and shopping for our wedding.

So there, I think I have established my credibility to be a long distance expert. I thought I’d share a few pointers on how I survived those 4 years of missing someone so badly. This is purely based only on my (and only my) experience.

1. Trust yourself and your partner. If your BF says they are going for a party with friends, then he is going for a party with friends– no more no less. What would you really gain from knowing how many of his friends are “girls”? Remember curiosity killed the cat? Too much inquisitiveness can kill your relationship. Especially if you are living away and all you can do is imagine all his friends as hot chicks hanging out with your vulnerable boyfriend.

2. Learn not to misuse their trust. Even if you sense a slightest possibility that someone you know seems to be interested in you, let him know that you are seriously not available. Don’t play along and flirt and end up hurting others feelings. I strongly believe in karma.

3. Accept that you cannot be a part of his day-to-day life and he misses you and thinks about you as much as you think about him and miss him.

4. Respect other person’s feelings. Things don’t always sound the way you mean it over the phone or email. Your intentions can be misunderstood. If such a thing happens… be ready to explain and don’t get defensive.

5. Communicate, be open to each other, and learn to listen. Discuss your thoughts and feelings openly.

6. Never pretend you are comfortable with something he is doing if you really are not.

7. No one (including you and your BF) can remain sane by just sitting and thinking and pining for you. It’s unhealthy. They need to have a life. Too many restraints can screw your relationship (goes back to trust).

8. Have a good support system. I cannot even begin to explain how important it is to surround yourself with good friends who understand you and what you are going through. You need reassurance and support more than you think you need it. Have one objective person as a confidant, who you can go to for impartial verdicts.

9. Be reasonable. It’s not always your boyfriend’s fault.

10. Moping around all the time is injurious to you. Learn to look at the brighter side… You are in this relationship because you really like this person. There are lots of things you can do “together”. Like you both could read a book and talk about that book, you could watch a movie (and think you are holding hands with him) and share your thoughts, it shouldn’t always be about mushy “I love you so much” “I miss you so much”. Sending him handwritten letters via snail mail always works like a charm.

11. Don’t bottle up your anger. It’s okay to fight – in other words have a heated discussion about conflicting thoughts or behavior. You can virtually kiss and make up. If you are always angry then it’s a different story.

12. Virtual relationship is definitely painful. No matter how much of a positive spin you put on it, the frustrations of long distance is bound to catch up with you sooner or later. There will be times when you question your decision and feel that the whole thing was such a waste of time. You’d think that you have spent precious moments of your life missing someone and feeling miserable. A person you seem to remember just as 2D images from a photograph. Everything becomes so unreal at that point. You find that reassuring friends are not useful anymore. When you hit that phase, shamelessly compare your fellow with others. Think of other guys you’d rather be spending time and having a fulfilling relationship with, believe me you won’t come up with one appealing person. That’s when you realize that you’d rather hold that photograph close to you and that would put a smile on your face.